by AIC Timothy Espinoza
Solitude is synonymous with prison to many, but unfortunately for me that’s not the case. Prison is a place where there is no escaping the human presence. You eat, sleep, wait and recreate in close proximity to others. You go to chow in “line movements”, walking up brightly lit corridors like human schools of salmon. You literally go everywhere with others on these scheduled line movements. One minute the corridors lie empty, the next it comes alive with moving men.
Outside on the yard there are people on the track and on the weight pile. There are people meandering out in the softball field and next to the basketball courts. There are people by the phones and people by the tables. People everywhere! It convinces me that I can’t be the only one to feel the primal urge to scream, “Get away from me all of you!”
Does that mean I’ve been suffering in the area of mental health for the last 22 years?
If you’ve never had this urge, then chances are you’ve never been incarcerated, which is definitely a good thing. I certainly don’t feel odd for having these thoughts, as I’ve read that solitude is an essential aspect of good mental health. Does that mean I’ve been suffering in the area of mental health for the last 22 years? I sure hope not. Overall, I feel fine, minus the incessant crush of humanity surrounding me. Have I mentioned that? Oh yeah, that’s what this blog’s about – solitude or rather the lack of it in prison.
Oh blessed solitude, where it’s only you and God. That will be the day! I confess, I’m people weary. Prison does that. Lockdowns do that. COVID-in-prison-during-lockdowns assuredly does this.
I remain ever confident in my God
In the midst of it all, I’m grateful for God’s grace, His word, Christian books and radio . I remain ever confident in my God, that no matter how weary I grow, or whatever urges to scream might arise, His promises and grace will be sufficient. Even in this place where solitude is a mirage.